The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell.

That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.