I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'