This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

This shed does not contain me.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!