This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.