I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine