My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

There are no absolutes in raising children. In any stressful situation, fathering is always a roll of the dice. The game may be messy, but I have never found one with more joys and rewards.

If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. If you take them just for emergency, that's all they're gonna get.

I can't even talk the way these people talk. 'Why you ain't?' 'Where you is?' Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

I'm not the healthiest, but I am healthy. I'm healthy to the point where there are things that I have to eat that I don't want to eat, but I eat it because I'm enjoying staying alive.