My children love my mother, and I tell my children, that is not the same woman I grew up with...That is an old woman trying to get into heaven now.

In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.