A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

You are more important to yourself than you think you are.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.