A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

The secret of success is to be like a duck, Smooth and unruffled on top, But paddling furiously underneath.

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.