Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Never say [to younger people] "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.