Most fathers and... Mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

Brown versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.