Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.

It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn't have to answer to innuendos.

Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.