Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.

Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.

You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'