Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'

My mother was an authority on pig sties. This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen in my life, and I want it cleaned up right now.

You are not going to 'go forth.' You are going to take that damn hat off and you're going to get a job.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.