Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

The secret of success is to be like a duck, Smooth and unruffled on top, But paddling furiously underneath.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

The beautiful thing about older people is their ability to cut the fat off of conversation. When they talk, they don't go on forever and ever. They say what they have to say, and that's it. That was my grand dad. Some of the things he said stunned me, but his words were logical. I'll never forget them.

I think you need to make responsibility something that's not just a word.