I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

Parenting needs to come to the forefront.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.

I'm not the healthiest, but I am healthy. I'm healthy to the point where there are things that I have to eat that I don't want to eat, but I eat it because I'm enjoying staying alive.

When I was a boy if a girl got pregnant the shame was placed on her and the boy could get away.