Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

I was always 'awake'...Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place.

I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?