I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.

A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.