What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.

I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.