What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.