Don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego.

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.