It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.