It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.

Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first: Iraq: 150,000, USA: 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"