What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."