What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.

I hate patriotism... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.

That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" … And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.