All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real.

Folks, it's time to evolve. That's why we're troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything's failing? It's because, um - they're no longer relevant. We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.

It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting.

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?