It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country-How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?

You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.