Just one thing I know for sure, chicks dig jerks.

The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.

But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it.

You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?