I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.

To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.