I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.

To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something — if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.

That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.