Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form.

The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas.

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You're dead too.

We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.