And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans."

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.

You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country... How are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god's infinite love.