Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive.

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create Republicans."