You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

What does an atheist scream when they come?