Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

The biggest danger, for me, with making yourself your act is that a lot of people with think they know you for better or worse. That's an ongoing struggle with me and it can get really trippy sometimes. I try to be strong about it and assure myself that only my close friends and family can really pass judgement on me personally, but it's impossible to not let it get to you.