Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I've enjoyed watching.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.