Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen.