Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.