Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

I don't consciously try to make things difficult as much as I try to make them a little different. I like all kinds of laughs. I tried to make a show that elicit groans, guffaws, chuckles, boos.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.