I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, 'I think you try too hard in your comedy.' And that's what I worry about.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

I don't try to call myself a poet. But I know that my stuff is pretty literal, in that the themes are pretty simple and on the surface.