I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.