I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don't want to construct the show to prove something.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.