Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

People are gonna think that MTV censored me, and they really didn't. I really wanted to try to make a show that didn't rely on offensive, edgy material because I think it was an exercise in trying to write without that. Because I see that as a crutch sometimes and I want to know that I can do something funny and worthwhile without that. And also make a show that my parents would like and that kids could watch with their parents.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.