The average person has one Fallopian tube.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The biggest danger, for me, with making yourself your act is that a lot of people with think they know you for better or worse. That's an ongoing struggle with me and it can get really trippy sometimes. I try to be strong about it and assure myself that only my close friends and family can really pass judgement on me personally, but it's impossible to not let it get to you.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.

It's not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I'm doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.

The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.