Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

When life gets you down, make a comforter!