If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love.

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.