The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.