The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.