When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.

It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.