I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.