As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?