A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'