A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.