It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?