It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.