They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!