They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

I know I'm a sinner, but make me a winner!

I got my start in silent radio.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.