Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.