My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'