Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.