I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

I got my start in silent radio.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.