I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.