Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?