Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.