I got my start in silent radio.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.