My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.