My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.