My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?